Thought patterns that can get and keep you stuck.

When life is hard and we experience adversity, one of the ways to keep from getting stuck so we can experience joy and keep moving forward is to check our thoughts. Here are some common negative thought patterns to be aware of:

1. "Always", "never" and other universal qualifiers. These are unhelpful because they're typically just simply not true. "I'll never get this." "This always happens to me." are examples. It's helpful to reframe those statements to something more accurate like "This is a struggle for me." or "I seem to experience this often." Then we can start asking questions about why those statements are accurate or feel accurate, and decide what to do with them. This can keep us moving forward.

2. The "and" game. This is where we stack problems into a mountain we can't climb. "My car broke down and I spilled my coffee and my dog threw up and I have no money and my toilet keeps running..." This keeps us focusing on the negatives, and stacked into a mountain they become exponentially more daunting. For every negative "and" force yourself to come up with a positive "and". Start with something easy like "I have heat today and I still have my job and my dog loves me..."

3. The "what if" game. Playing out potentially disastrous scenarios in your head takes energy away from practicing mindfulness or gratitude, from creative problem-solving, the ability to connect, and a host of other helpful ways to spend your energy. It also elicits anxiety in an unhelpful way. Instead of focusing on "what if", focus on "what is".

4. "Welp. I GUESS...." resignation. This is where we throw our hands up in defeat and resign ourselves to negativity. There is always something, somewhere that we can do to impact our circumstances or our internal processes, even if it's in a roundabout way. But if we are resigned, we won't be thinking about what we can do, only what we can't do.

5. "See?! I KNEW that would happen!" or shaming yourself for not seeing then what you see now like "I should have known". This one interestingly gives us a boost of confidence for a second because we supposedly "knew" something. Really what it might be doing is validating our desire to give up. Maybe you had an inkling but you chose to be brave and try anyway. Or maybe you had some discernment telling you to choose differently but you chose to ignore it. Try curiously asking yourself if you truly "knew" that would happen, and what made you choose this path anyway?

6. Sentences that trail off with no answer, or rhetorical questions like "Why would I even try?!" "Why do I always do that?!" (universal qualifier here). Try gently and curiously re-asking yourself those questions as though you were asking someone you really love, or a small child. Notice the difference in your body when you ask curiously, and listen quietly for your responses. "Why would I even try?" Maybe because this is really important to me and it's worth the potential let-downs. "Why do I sometimes do that?" Maybe explore the "when" of that question. When do you tend to do that thing you don't like and how could you set yourself up for a little change next time?

7. "Shoulds" like "I should exercise", or "I should be nicer to my partner." "Should" statements aren't necessarily incorrect, but they can be shaming and crippling. In fact, I call "should" the 6-letter "S" word. Notice what feelings come up when you use "should". Is it inspiring and exciting, or is there a feeling of dread alongside it? Try asking yourself why you feel you "should" and then replacing the word "should" with a word like "want" or "could" or "would like to" or "am excited to". Why "should" I exercise? Because I want to feel more energized and stable. Then change your statement to something like, "I want to exercise so I feel more energized and stable." or "I want to be nicer to my partner because they deserve love and respect just like I do."